The First

This is how I'm feeling right now… can't even think of an "appropriate" title for this post. I'm not even sure why the hell I'm posting this. I just have to let it out I guess, or I'll burst into tears right here…

Yes.. this IS my very first post categorized under "Rants and Grumbles"… I'm human too.. so sue me for being sad and depressed. I am very capable of getting hurt too! I just hope people will get that…Anyway, I will apologize for the mushiness of this post. You may puke in your own time if you wish. Or you can just stop visiting my blog page completely. I really won't mind…

I'm having conversations in my head again. I do that whenever I want to say something but I can't. It's not really a conversation. More like a monologue in my head but I also picture the person I want to say it to right there, listening to me…really listening to what I really have to say. So here's what I want to ask you… 

Why? Why is it so hard for you to include me in your world? 

I really don't understand. I remember saying it once. Or at least implying it. I even remember you apologizing for it. It started out as an "example" in one of our petty arguments and I was hoping the message got through. But apparently not, coz you did it again. You just keep on doing it.

Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko minsan. Minsan nakakainis. Minsan nakakabastos. Minsan nakakadepress. Natatanong ko tuloy: Ikinakahiya mo ba ako sa kanila?

I'm trying to make up excuses for you. Maybe you think it would be awkward for me so you're just "sparing" me from all of it. Yeah, the concern is appreciated and I am getting your point. But sometimes, the mere invitation means so much more. It shows you're actually giving me an opportunity to be a part of what you have.

I'm not trying to invade your life completely. You deserve some personal space as much as I do. All I'm asking is that you let me feel that I can be part of the things that are important to you. 

Masaya naman ako eh. Pero hindi ko lang maintindihan talaga kung bakit minsan nagiging "others" na lang ako sa buhay mo. 

Haaaaay.. naiiyak na ako..  ayoko na.. siguro pagod lang.. ayaw ko nang mag-isip ng masama pang kahulugan. I'm still not feeling any better even after this…

Note to self: Ten days to go…